Yep there it is. on my right forearm. I know that several people love it and several people hate that I got a tattoo, but I just wanted to share why I did and the reason for where I did. So,
1. The tattoo is of a window in a church that my brother and his wife attend before he passed away. My brother told me he felt called into ministry at his annual conference, and right before he could get started on track to actually be a minister in the UMC he came down with cancer. So, I felt this was a wonderful reminder for me of how much I loved Jay, how much he loved me, and to allow him to be with me as I follow Christ in the ministry.
2. The window its self is a Trinity Window. It represents the Trinity (Father, son, and Holy Spirit) I have always been a huge Trinity kind of guy, and love the understanding of relationship, and mystery found in the understanding of the Trinity! So, this Tattoo represents God in all the forms that God has chosen to reveal himself to his creation.
3. The Tattoo is on my right arm. In the Old and New Testaments, the right hand has always had the imagery of someone’s actions the “doing” of someone. (hence Christ sits at the right hand of God the Father because he was the ultimate actions of God) And we are to keep the ways of God on our right hands and on our foreheads) to remember that our being/thoughts and actions are to be those of God’s in the world. I desire to be the hands and feet of God in all that I do, so every time I look down an see this tattoo I pray that it reminds me to attempt to live out this passionate desire in my life and in the lives of those around me. I actualy wanted the tattoo to be on my hand, but Craig would not do it because we use our hands so much that it would eventualy just fade away and i would have to get the same tattoo over and over again.
4. When I went to Guatemala on the mission trip one of the things I noticed when we were doing prison ministry to the gang members, was their respect and immediate connection to anyone in our group that had a tattoo. I did not think about this until afterwards, but I also pray that through this Tattoo I may be able to develope relationships with others that I might not have normally been able to by finding some common ground of a Tattoo and possibly being able to have a chance to exaplain the meaning and purpose behind my tattoo and maybe have the honor of finding out about the same meaning and purpose behind thier tattoos.
Well, I am blown away by the responses I am getting from the Tattoo, and surprised that my Father and Mother got over the shock fast. (only 2 small moments of awquard silence over the phone. ha ha ha ha) I am sure that many others will be shocked, and mad over time, but all the more reason to be able to develop relationships and get to love others. If anyone is interested I got my Tatto from a good friend that I went with to Guatemala named Craig. (In Guatemala he was doing tattoo cover ups for gang membersthat wanted out of the gangs and covered up their gang tattoos with Christian art…amazing) Anyway Craig owns two Tattoo shops here in northern KY called:
<–click picture for the link
Craig is now actually going through a 3 year process to go into the ministry as well in his own church, so ministry all the way around, heh.
Here are a picture Tiffany took on her iPhones of the work getting done:
The last round of shots did not work. So no pregnancy. Where this leaves us? Sad. It sucks, and it is frustrating like nothing I have ever felt before. It is so hard to ever write this. This was our 10th time to try to have a baby through the help of infertility clinics/Doctors. Tiffany has been poked and prodded, and I have give way too many “samples”. and we are just tired. We tried to take the day off and just spend some time together and that helped, but not near enough. This will be a grieving process just like Jay was those years ago. i still tear up every now and then when I or god brings him to mind, and I have a feeling that the lack of our own baby will be the same way for a few years. We will make it through it. The one thing I wish is that people would know how to talk to us. Everyone and I mean everyone is well meaning, but sometimes they should just love on us without words. Please if you know of someone who is going through this do not try to take care of them by saying:
1. Well my (instert relitative/friend) went through that same thing. just keep trying.
2. Well you know that if you adopt that you will then have a baby.
3. (say anything cheesy)
The fact of the matter is, the best way to love someone while they are going through a loss of a loved one, of the lack of a loved one is probably no words at all, unless they ask for them. But a simple, “sorry” and a hug is all that most people really need (and of course I would add in a ton of prayer, heh heh)
But I must tell you that it is torture going to church or any place else that there are several people that will ask you about it. It is a catch 22, you want tons of people praying for you, but when it does not work out, you do not want to tell them the sad news because you know that one of the three “saying” will occur, and every time you talk about it you tear up and that just makes for a crappy day.
And the real kicker…… Two Sundays from now is Mother’s day. probably the hardest day of the year for both Tiffany and me (because I don’t like seeing my wife’s soul hurt) and it is Pentecost Sunday, and it is Confirmation Sunday! I have a feeling we will be running from the church building as soon as the 2nd service is over, heh.
But, thank you for your prayers, and i want you to know that through the tears we praise God for helping us know a little more direction of where He desires for us to go when it comes to children. Now we get to look forward to what ever God has in store for us in the future! maybe adoption, but we have no idea when or how, but I promise we will be loving God through it.
(oh and you will not be able to leave comments on this post, heh heh)
Well, I got a beautiful gift today…and it is my Dad’s birthday! heh… but anyway… Sheila my brother’s widow just finished the final touches of a website that she created to honor the life of my brother Jay. So, do yourself a favor and read some of the funny stories and see the pictures of a life well lived.
Thank yall for your love and support and please know that I pray for anyone who reads this blog everyday… so seriously you are blessed (to be a blessing to others) KUTPs!!!
Well, while reading Alan Creech’s blog I realized that i think God might be wanting me to do something similar with my blog during Lent this year. For lent this year i am giving up a little bit more of my time to devotional time each day. And so I resolved to reading and using a Lent study book as a starting place each day. And I thought i would put my favorite quote from the book here on my blog, so that others will be as blessed as I am, maybe cause a discussion or two, and maybe just maybe get yall to read some of this guys’ books…he is one of my heroes!!! The book is:
that is what my book looks like(out of print)..but there is another one that looks to be the same thing…without the Lent aspect to it and it looks like this one:
<---- Click on that picture to order the book @ Amazon.com...but the book details are:
author: Tom Wright
Paperback: 224 pages
Publisher: BRF (The Bible Reading Fellowship) (November 21, 1997)
ISBN-10: 0745935567
ISBN-13: 978-0745935560
(c) 1997
I hope that is enough info that Tom or the publishers will not mind we quoting him here and there each day (I mean come on..this is free advertising here!!! to all 12 people who read this blog, ha ha ha)…anyway here are a few quotes from the previous days that I was blown away by:
Ash Wed: 2 Cor. 2:14-17
“as God is leading us in Christ through pain, through the valley of the shadow of death, through apparent despair, then somehow, strangely, as we look around, we discover that god is spreading in every place the fragrance that comes from knowing him (vv.14-15), and we become the people through whom the sweet smell of God is actually being wafted to and fro.” (p. 12)
Thurs: 2 Cor. 3:1-6
“The personal presence and activity of Jesus Christ come to live within them. they become a letter of Christ to the world.” (p. 17)
Fri: 2 Cor. 3:7-11
“The glory of Christ is not revealed in spectacular show of success, in people who get everything right all the time. People like that, as we know, can sometimes be a pain in the neck. the church reveals the glory of Christ through suffering and shame as much as through what the world counts as success.” (p. 21)
Sun: 2 Cor 3:18
“He (Paul) means liberation from the ministry of death; liberation from the need to pretend; liberation, in fact, to reflect the crucified and risen Christ to one another.” (p. 26)
Mon: 2 Cor. 4:1-4
“Just as by the Spirit we, reflect God to one another, so Christ truly reflects the living God into the world.”
Tues: 2 Cor. 4:5-6
“If we are to know God in Christ, and if we are tpo be the people that God wants us to be in Christ, we must learn the painful lesson of recognizing the glory of God, the god-ness of God, as we look at Jesus on the way to Calvary, and then finally on the cross itself. And part of this is learning who God is. it does not mean that God has forsaken us. times like these are the moments when we are privileged to be led by the Spirit, as Jesus himself was led by the Spirit, into the wilderness and along the way of the cross, a way illuminated by the knowledge of the glory of God.” (p. 33)
Wed: 2 Cor. 4-7-12
“it is when people are actually living out the dying of Jesus that, strangely but surely, the life of Jesus is also then made visible…….
Have you in your body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus might be made visible in your mortal flesh? this is, i suspect, at the hear of the message of Lent. This is, after all, the time when we can rediscover that only when we suffer with Christ will we learn what it means to be glorified with him.”
=========================
If you are not blown away or blessed by those quotes…lets talk…over dinner or coffee, and we can read the entire chunk of the text and wrestle with it together!
this time reminds me of my brother’s death. Jay died right before Easter Day, and I remember everyone (including me) desired for him to at least make it through to Easter…but that time of year is about joy and not death, it is about resurrection, and hope, but maybe we could never have appreciated the joy that comes from the life Christ gives if we had not suffered in the Glory of God for that time. It is amazing how God teaches me even to this day through the life and death of my brother! Amen!
I pray that this season of lent is one that you can find struggle and peace in the difficult life of glory. for the glory of God is in the death & life of Christ! I will try to put a quote up more often and not make them all hit at once. until next time… may God bless you! may God help you realize when life is not at all what you desire for it to be, that, that might be exactly where he desires for you to be joining Christ, so that you may live with Christ in the perfect timing of God. KUTP’s!!!!
Ξ May 3rd, 2005 | → 7 Comments | ∇ Jay |
Well, here is a huge post and Tiffany an d I had a good cry the other night because I saw a picture of Jay and I thought to myself…”I miss him…because I was not done playing with him yet”…Tiffany held me and It just made me miss Jay a bunch and so we decided to look at al the pictures we took at the trip to Lexington first and then checked out a few photos from the transplant and the last few I have of Jay and then of course the funeral…it sure did help and I have wanted to put these up here for a long time…so sorry about the order…but here is the trip to go see Jay….
This is John Choi we stopped in Cinci to say hi to him and he is just amazing! We love you greatly John…and We are praying for your marriage this June to be a wonderful time in your life!!!!
Here are the youth in Lexington that we visited one morning…They are all two years older than what we remember them…but all of them are still sexy and wonderful!!!! It was great to see everyone before we headed up to see Jay…..
This was the first day we were with Jay when we arrived…he was at the end of his radiation and Chemo treatments…very sick and tired…but ready for the stem cell transplant…..
This was the next day and right before the stem cell transplant….
This is me getting the stem cell transplant…we were trying to show everyone how stinking big the needle was…and the picture does not seem do it justice, heh!!!!!
Here are the nurses (and wife) that took care of me the entire time it was happening…they had a few hick-ups but once they got them figured out then it was all good to go and 4 hours later…..
they bagged my stem cells…they were right about the procedure being a little bit of a let down because your there for 4 hrs. and yet the bag is so small….but they were the instrument that was going to be a good chance of healing my brother…and so we treated them very precious and even prayed of them with the nurses before they took them off to be “fixed” to go into Jay….
Well as you all know Jay’s body just could not handle the Radiation and Chemo…and right after the stem cell transplant his body started shutting down and he passed away before the stem cells could go to work…. Here is me after we went back to the grave site after the dinner the church fed every guest at the funeral…oh man they are so nice…..
I miss him….
closer picture…
Here is all of Jay’s “helpers”…
Here is the casket before being lowered…. Yah I know this is not interesting…but I wanted to give yall a chance to be there with us…..
Here is the view driving into the cemetery!!! Check out the huge shrubbery cross in the front of the burial mound…you can’t get more Celtic than this, heh!!!! (I loved this place!!!)
Here is the church that Jay and Sheila got married, and Jay’s funeral service was held…once again amazingly Celtic and English! By far the coolest church I have seen (in America)
Here is the younger crew right after the funeral service…. Christy, Kevin (cousin and husband) me and Tiffany (even if Tiffany has lost her mouth in this picture) and of course Sheila too! great photo…..
that night we all played D&D (becase that is what Jay wanted) and we all had a blast!!! It was one of the best short D&D campaigns I have ever played…. (thanks Rob)
Then in the week following we all got hooked on UNO Attack!!! Great fun and crazy game…and here is me with Jay’s cat in my lap…..
Here is my aunt winning at this game of UNO attack and a friend of Jay and Sheila’s friend….. we had fun as you can see….
Lots of fun as you can see… ha ha ha.
=============================
Well, the only other thing i wanted to bring to yall’s attention is the new Crest Whitening Vanilla Mint tooth paste!!! This stuff rocks….I love brushing my teeth with this stuff!!! I hope i don’t destroy my gums, heh….
Oh and for all you Cranium fans out there I saw this and just knew that I had to have one..are you as crazy as me? heh…
OK…well, that is a long post and I appologize for all the dial-up people trying to DL all those photos, heh….well, I am tired and need to go to bed…but before I do I want you all to know…I love ya…and please KUTPs!!!!!!!!!!!
Ξ March 24th, 2005 | → 5 Comments | ∇ Jay |
Well, yesterday was the best worship service I have ever been to in my life and if I can spend the rest of my ministry having that kind of worship of God then I will have a fun ministry. Only Jay and Jesus could have brought together Christians, Jews, Non-Christians, and a category all by themselves)….D&D Players, heh heh. I know that some of those people experienced God in that moment of worship, and I know that that is what Jay would have wanted. Just like his favorite passage Jay would want to live a life and live a death the whole time pointing to the one who he existed for…Jesus and it was just so amazing to have everyone there for the service!!!! And as soon as I can I will give yall pictures of the grave side…that place is unbelievable beautiful!
Well, yesterday morning we all woke up to Sheila yelling and running to Sears to get them to remove the ink tags they never took off of 2 of the dresses she bought for all of this. I could not believe it and it just so happened that Her alarm clock did not go off and she woke up an hour later than she planned on! Then she got in her SUV and mad dashed drove to Sears to get them to remove the tags and of course they did not open until 10:00 am and we were supposed to be at the church (about an hour away) @ 10:15 am……needless to say she was not the happiest of campers at this time..but she made it through and we got to the church.
On the way to the church for Jay’s worship service Tiffany (my wife) kept asking me which song she should sing for the service. I told her that it did not matter and that both of them would do just fine (note to all of you…Tiffany did not practice any songs before this time she was going to get up there and either sing accapella (sp?) or play the Piano and sing at the same time…both options winging it!!!! Can you believe that? Oh man that is crazy..but that is my wife, heh)
Well, we step out of the car and what music was in the air, but Into The West by Annie Lenox (sp?) on the Lord of The Rings movies! It was a perfect song for Jay because he loved anything medieval and then we heard Lorenna McKennet (sp?) another awesome Celtic-esque singer and song and we found out that Keith (the Sr. Pastor) had created this CD just for Jay and wanted it played for him that morning and he played it through the loud speakers of the church so everyone in 2-3 blocks around the church heard the music, heh…..well, Tiffany still not knowing what song to sing heard that song playing from the “church bells”….and immediately knew that that was the perfect song to sing for Jay and for God!!!! So get this…….
Tiffany runs into Keith’s office asking for his internet connection so she can find the words to a certain song to sing for Jay’s service….Keith asked her what song and Tiffany told him the song she just heard outside…….Keith then said to Tiffany, “You mean thie words to this song?”…and Keith handed Tiffany the words to that very song….Keith had planned on saying those words during the service because they were so perfect…..heh heh…….So then Tiffany asked Keith to put that song on repeat and Tiffany ran outside to listen to the song over and over and over….I think she said that she listened to it about 3 times and then the service started…….Tiffany then in the middle of the service sings the song accapella (sp?)! It was better than the surround sound DVD in my house…and let me tell you that is good! She hit ever note perfect and amazed me! (I am almost certain she amazed everyone and now that they have read this story they made be even more amazed!, ha ha)
My wife is amazing…and man I love her…and her voice…..the second amazing thing was that Sheila even said that her singing of that song was great…and coming from Sheila that is saying something, heh (Sheila is an amazing singer for those who may not know)
Well, then we went out to the grave side and it was such a beautiful day! Just awesome! (a Day not too unlike Jay and Sheila’s wedding day in the same church, heh) and then we all went back to eat @ the church and man of man I love potluck dinners! I am part of a larger church right now and pot luck dinners is what I miss most from my home church. When you get to be a large church you tend to have one person or one group of people that fix all the dinners for the entire church and that food that way is great…but there is something about getting to fill your plate with 20 different side dishes and then have 4 different types of desert, heh heh…and I wonder why my figure is not what it should be, heh heh!
I wanted to stand up and tell everyone that if they wondered what Christianity and church was all about that they were experiencing it right there. Here you find a goup of friends that never would have met each other if it were not for their common faith in Christ and they are loving God and respecting the Jesus that lives in Jay. Then you selflessly feed Christians, Jews, D&D players, non-Christians…insert your faith here) and we are all eating in fellowship and community. That is what Christianity is all about relationship with each other and relationship with God! and food is a awesome bonus!!!! woo hoo! Heh heh heh!
It was wonderful and I thank everyone who came, no mater what your faith is I know that Jay and God were so happy that you came and participated in His love for you!
Well, we all got back to the house around 4 pm and then we cleaned it until 6 pm and then every one started to arrive around 7 pm to play D&D. Sheila said that she asked Jay during all of this that if he did not make it through what did he want…and she said he told her, “I want everyone to be happy and I want everyone to play D&D”. So we wanted to honor his wishes and we offered D&D to everyone to play. I think we had 2 groups of 5-6 playing at one time and we ever had to get another table from the basement to have enough room…we cooked Sheila’s famous hot wings…oh man that will give anyone fire butt…and Chinese food…(dang that was good) and the last group finished around 3:00 am (hence the non-blog post yesterday). It was such a wonderful and happy time…. He had so much fun and I know that everyone there if you did or did not play D&D you enjoyed the laughter and fun that was had by all…..even those who did not play D&D they watched the last movie of the Lord of The Rings (Return of the King)…(I guess the second best thing to do) and everyone had a great night…what a perfect way to end the celebration of a wonderful life!
Today we slept in and then left to go eat @ Aladdins (sp?) in Pittsburgh and to say good by to my cousins Christy and Kevin! They were so sweet to come down and then they got stuck in North or South Carolina due to storms in Florida, heh. I am sure they are fine now though.
(We then came back home to rest from the night of fun and gaming and then we went to eat @ Dingbats for dinner….yeah you heard me a place called Dingbats. Jay loves their Ultimate Cob Salad so almost everyone eat that for Jay and then we went to Barnes & Nobles for Tiffany (my wife is to Barnes and Noble as Jay is To Best Buy, heh) Then we went to my Dads favorite place in the entire world….Wal-Mart to get a few supplies and then we came home and played UN Attack and had lots of fun…
Oh I almost forgot The morning right before the funeral all of our cars (that were unlocked) got broken into and they stole all the changed that was in the font seats….*yeah tell me about it) they left everything else no stolen CDs and they did not still Jay’s sunglasses! They broke into all of the cars behind Sheila’s house and the cars in the neighbor’s drive way. Then this morning guess what….they did it again the glove compartments were all open and nothing else was stolen…it was crazy…so after the second unlawful entry Sheila contacted the police and they actually came to the door and asked Sheila questions and that was kind of funny….Sheila told them it is funny…if they would just have knocked on the door I probably would have given them $20, heh…… Then she clarified….well it would have to had been the eve of Jay’s funeral, heh heh….
Sheila tells that she would get into arguments with Jay all the time about picking up hitch hikers from the road or helping street people. Jay was so generous he wanted to stop for everyone and help everyone, heh. And she knew if something like that would have happened then she would have given money, heh.
Well, it is the end of another long day up here,,and still while it is fun,,,,Jay is still missed and more often than not my mind slowly drifts back to Sheila and my parents and how much I want to love them well from this loss,,,but there is only so much I can do and God has to take over in that department. I am trying to keep my focus on God and so far He has never (and I believe will never) let me down.
I hope that we get to go eat at the Cheese Cake Factory tomorrow sometime (Jay every time we were here he wanted to take me there but we never got around to doing it) and maybe even go check out Ikea and Best Buy…..(I have to go to Best Buy and buy something…I kow that Jay would do the same for me, heh heh heh.
“I miss him so much” is all I can say each night as my wife holds me in her arms of comfort. I do and I will live a life now of missing him, but I know it is mutual, and some day the missing will end just like hope and faith,,,because these all will fade away in the presence of our God!
Love yall and miss yall! Take care and please KUTPs!!!!!!!
“You have some sun stuck on your nose” “that is the least of my worries….those aliens made us into one body with two upper torsos!”
(please feel free to post your funny comments to the picture)
Ξ March 21st, 2005 | → 2 Comments | ∇ Jay |
Well, today was good, but today was hard. It seems to be the same with crying in the middle of no where, no specific place or thought or time, but I will just bust out in a thought that makes me tear up. And it never fails that laughter follows it. I weep for Jay mostly, but Sheila or my parents or someone else creeps in there too, heh.
I saw Jay’s face for the last time in person until the day I see him again in heaven. It was not the Jay I know and knew. It was lifeless and souless, and I know that Jay of all things was not either of those. It was so good to meet all these people that Jay touched the life of. I had for the first time faces to go with all of Jay’s stories. Some funny, some not so funny…but Jay loved them anyway and I did too! I even met a few people that read this blog each day and knew Jay through the life that I represented here on this blog, heh. It was amazing that they come to pay their respect and love for Jay and they had never met him, but they love and knew about him through me and this blog, heh.
I would find myself looking @ Jay and looking at his chest thinking to myself that I thought I saw a breath. I would love it is as Tiffany said, “I just keep on thinking he is not really dead and he is going to jump up and say ‘Just kidding’! with his huge smile on his face”.
But…………
It never happened. Funny how the thoughts that you felt the days he was sick were still the thoughts you wanted to feel during these times. I found out so much about Jay fro the stories people would tell me about him @ work or his Spirit @ work and how he was so great to work with.
Tiffany asked Sheila on the way home tonight from the final viewing if she would share what she loved about Jay and as Sheila started telling her story after story and loved moment after loved moment, I kept thinking to myself, “that sounds like something I would do!!!” Then I would tear up and dry out and laugh. It is amazing that I have even taken stories about Jay’s life and made them my own and did not even know it. I admire him so much! Jay was, is, and always will be my hero. I love him so much!
Tonight I was going to play his Xbox (Halo2) for one last game as “Rutree” his forever character name. but as I was going to walk up to their bedroom, I heard Tiffany talking to Sheila and I did not want to disturb them…so I came and wrote this post, heh.
Well, tomorrow is the funeral, and what I thought was going to be a rainy day now looks like it is going to be a very nice day…and I can’t wait for the burial…because that place is so amazingly beautiful! The perfect spot for a perfect brother, husband, son, son-in-law, brother-in-law, nephew, cousin, and sweet sweet sweet man of God!
I love him and I love you…the readers of this blog, and everyone who got touched by Jay’s life…and whether some of you know this or not….it really was not Jay…but the Jesus in Him that made him who he was…and I know that Jay would love to tell you about his relationship with God and how that is where Jay found his existence and his passion for life, family, Sheila, me, work, D&D, etc….. Jay allowed his true love of Christ to shine through his life and I hope that all of you can know that Jay would never have been who he was without God living in him!
(yeah yeah I know I got on my sermon box…bt it is truth…and I could not help it…because God is a part of me too…but one thing it for sure….it is so freaking awesome living in relationship with God…and so amazingly cool to share the love I have for life and others because of the love that God has for me and you! Thank you for allowing me to share my life with you and please know I love each and everyone of you to the core….no matter who you think you are…I still love ya!
Yall have a good night and please KUTPs!!!!!!!!!! Thanks!
Ξ March 21st, 2005 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Jay |
Well, we had the first viewing last night from 7-9 pm and now we have two more today from 2-5 and 7-9 again and the we have the funeral after that sooo I have to go and grab a bite for lunch and then be at the funeral home all day today….It is OK but I can think of better places I would rather be for all of that time. Thank you all for your prayers and please know we love you all!
Ξ March 20th, 2005 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Jay |
Well, last night you can imagine how much loss of sleep we got. We are all so very tired and never wanted to do the things that we did today. Today we met at the funeral home and went over how much everything is going to cost and picked out the casket, vault (they have to have one of these around here), and the grave plot @ the cemetery. I tell you what….if I had to be buried in the ground….the place that my brother and Sheila some day is amazing! The site looks like an old burial mound that you might see in England! It has an amazing cross created out of some kind of bush, and their plots overlook the beautiful country side of PA! It has the best view in the world and there are three pine trees right next to where Jay will be laid to rest. He loved the mountains so much that I am sure every time he hears those trees rustle that He will love it! I mean it is beyond anything I could ever describe. I hope that Tiffany can take some pictures of it all! And I am sure that he will love the snow that will fall on that land so often! It is just amazing…..we then went to Wal-Mart to buy supplies for making photo collages (sp?) to put up around the viewing area and at the funeral. Sheila has so many of him and him with family! It brought me to tears many times this evening cutting out the pictures and putting them in their special slots in the huge poster frame!
It is funny what things bring me to cry. You would think it would be when I go into the electronics section of Wal-Mart, but it tends to be in the weird places that I never would have ever thought about him like the fabric dept…or the toy department, heh heh. But, I still find myself living a normal life and then out of the blue it hits me that it will probably be a few years and the majority of my lifetime that I will not get to see him again. But, I am OK and I am not alone in getting through this. Tiffany held me last night as I sobbed and mourned for the physical loss of my brother. She is such a part of who I am….and I kow that most of the time it is the Jesus in Tiffany that sustains me! Thank you God!
There are times now when I weep for Sheila and my parents. I can not imagine what they are dealing with and how they are dealing with Jay. I know that this is the time for questions sometimes to God sometimes to others……emotions are not only high…but we are all tending to wear them in our armpits….heh heh…..most of the time we don’t show them (our feelings that is) but every now and then we lift our arms up and we chew someone out for no reason…and never an apology is necessary because we all know that we are all dealing with Jay’s loss differently. It is hard, but it is peaceful. I know that Jay is present in that weird peaceful, loving, freaky way, heh. Sometimes it is obvious, others it is just a sense…but still it is nice…….
But the one presence I have been closest with through all of this is Christ. He is comforting me with those beautiful nail pierced hands and sweet arms of comfort! He is crying with me and Tiffany each night and in the shower, and in Halmark and Wal-Mart and @ the food court in the mall. He is just present in our midst and he is there with out any invoking or asking for it…He is just there! I have found out that people I don’t even know I am able to share the peace of Christ with….from husbands standing in the same women’s underwear section of Sears waiting for our wives to get out of the dressing room to a 15 year old girl that took my order of the Dairy Queen in the food court of the mall. I see Jesus in everyone and especially the possibility of Jesus in everyone and I could probably find a rock on the road and have a best friend with-in 10 mins. ha ha. I just love people and as Jay grew into his spiritual life and deeper and deeper into relationship with God he too had that same ability and gift to see Jesus in everyone! Jay is my hero! I love him so much! He is my big brother, and lived more life in 35 years than most people did in a lifetime. He looked at everything with fresh eyes and a pure heart. He never took anything for granted and I loved that and miss that. I hope he can continue to point out the small and amazing things of life in this world and get lots of practice where he is at now to point them out in the world to come for most of us too!
OK enough ranting for tonight!
The viewing for Jay is tomorrow @ the Sloom Funeral Home in Mt. Pleasant PA starting @ 7:00 lasting until 9:00 pm…and I think there is another two on Monday 2:00 pm-5:00pm & 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm. I think around here they require the family to be there during all the times…so we would love to see any of you!
The funeral will be held @ the Cochran Memorial United Methodist Church in Dawson, PA @ 11:00 am Tuesday morning with the committal service to follow at the grave side (on that amazing hill)
the church address is:
Cochran Memorial United Methodist Church
Griscom Street & Howell Street
DAWSON, PA 15428
724 529-2925
For those of you who are reading this locally and need directions here is a map of Dawson:
Sheila (and the rest of us) thought that it would be wonderful that instead of flowers that you give any money, thoughts, and/or prayers to Cochran Memorial United Methodist Church, or The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, or lastly,of course, The National Multiple Scleroscis Society.
The donation pages are the link behind the names of those places…except for the church and you can just send a check or what ever to the church to make a donation. I know that Jay would have wanted your God given resources to go towards sharing the good news of Christ and promoting healing in this world much more than just flowers that look and small good for a while but then don’t have as long of a lasting effect as these wonderful places do for the world we live in and the lives that we can touch throughout the life of Jay who touched us. Thank you all!
Love yall and please KUTPs!!!!!!!!!! (we all always need them!)
Oh and I just want you all to know if you would like to see or even meet my brother in pictures please stop on by his web site and take a good look at my hero!
WWW.HOLLUMS.COM
you know after going back to his site I want you all to read from Jay the thank you letter that he sent out to everyone (including you!) around Christmas last year..when we all thought he was in remission. It is amazing to hear these words written from Jay at this time….he is ministering to each of us even now, heh heh.
First, and foremost, I want to say thank you to all of the people that are reading this! I know if you are reading this you have at least at some point worried or been concerned about me. And I want you all to understand the glorious impact that your prayers have had on me and those around me.
When you first find out that you have cancer, it is very hard to believe. You just say to yourself that it is not possible. And you just wait patiently for the doctors to come back with a different reason that you are not feeling perfect. However, once it sinks in you just sit there and try to understand. I think I handled the diagnosis very well, but I had no idea what I was in for when it came to the cure. Chemotherapy is amazingly tough. For me I think it was tougher than the cancer. I just kept telling myself that my God has a purpose for everything, even if I don’t understand it. I proceeded to ask for prayers and blessings from all the people I know and the church that I love. I know that many people prayed for my health, and I will take all the prayers that people are willing to make on my behalf, but I will tell you this; I have never seen prayer work as effectively as it did this time. Not necessarily as a cure for my cancer (it is in remission and undetectable right now), but as an impact on my friends and family and myself. I have never felt so much love all the time coming from every where. Your prayers comforted me, my wife, and my family. They allowed me to feel wrapped in love and that is an AMAZING feeling. I have always said that the greatest miracle that God can do is not to move a mountain, but to change a heart. I have no doubt that through your prayers for me and my illness; MANY hearts were changed forever. If you ever wonder why people are allowed to ever get sick, then just realize the changed hearts of the people that form due to experiencing an illness or even a death are a great miracle. Sometimes, the only way to change a heart is through observation of another’s illness or death. I truly hope that your spiritual life has grown in some way as you followed my struggles.
I continue to pray for all of you in return, even if I don’t know all the names of the people that prayed for me. May God bless you all for your concern, prayers, and, more to the point, your deep abiding love. Keep praying as we all need miracles. Thank you once again, your prayers and Christ’s love hold me together day by day as this ordeal finishes up with the final testing and follow up treatments. I believe it is by the grace of God and your wonderful prayers that I am where I am today.
Your brother in Christ,
Jay Hollums
I miss and love you too Jay!
Ξ March 19th, 2005 | → 6 Comments | ∇ Jay |
I know there can never be enough exclamation marks after that statement. I know that this day is the day that my faith and hope in Christ is fleshed out. Today, I stood in a small ICU room with my family, four other pastors, a big wig Cancer doctor, and several nurses watching from outside double doors, All of whom Jay had touched the lives of. We stood there watching him with a tube in his mouth and a colorful pink air blanket covering him (to keep him cool from his temperature being so high). He looked uncomfortable…but his soul was so beautiful! I will never forget the time, place, what I was doing and thinking when each of my family members passed away. And Jay is no different. Sometimes today I felt sorrow other times peace, happiness, worship, joy, and most of all love! Love flowing from every part of who I am. After all, love is the greatest of all of these. I (like all Christians should) long for the time in our lives that faith and hope no longer exist, because we will be in the presence of Christ…and love is all that remains.
—————————-
My brother’s favorite verses in the Bible are John chapter 1 verses 1-18:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it. There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify to the light, so that all might believe through him. He himself was not the light, but he came to testify to the light. The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world came into being through him; yet the world did not know him. He came to what was his own, and his own people did not accept him. But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God, who were born, not of blood or of the will of the flesh or of the will of man, but of God. And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father’s only son, full of grace and truth. (John testified to him and cried out, “This was he of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me ranks ahead of me because he was before me.”‘) From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. The law indeed was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God. It is God the only Son, who is close to the Father’s heart, who has made him known.
Jay would tell me all the time that he was obsessed with these verses. And all the time we would talk about what they mean and why they were some of the most important of all the verses in the Bible. Tiffany shared his obsession with these verses and they would talk for hours on what they mean. These verses are so important because they speak to the divinity of Jesus Christ. The focal point of all of Christianity (this man named Jesus)……and if Jesus was not God then he was (quoting Tiffany) “just a really really great guy, that did a bunch of really really great things…that did not amount to a hill of beans”. Jesus was, is, and will always be God in the flesh. He was, is, and will always be the light for and to the world that we live in, and He is The Way, The Truth, and The Life for all of his creation (those of us living and those of us who have joined the church triumphant)! And, what was said so beautifully by John could very easily be said of Jay (whose name by the way is John) and all those who share Christ in this world. I thank God every day for my brother by blood…but I praise God every second from the essence of my being that Jesus is King of my brother and lived in him just like he lives in me.
(These words may be preachy for some of you, but what can you expect from a brother who just so happens to be a preacher, heh heh….but) I beg of you to read the words of John and search for yourself the truth in them. I pray that you can find the light that Christ Jesus is and how much the one God in Jesus desires to be in relationship with you!
—————————-
Well, we left the hospital only to drive to “Eat and Park”. (yeah, I know, a very funny name for a sit down restaurant, heh heh) We ate because Sheila just knew that that was what Jay would have wanted us to do (and she is exactly right if my brother was anything like his little brother, ha ha ha. (I have always said there is something special and holy about eating with each other) We then drove back to Jay and Sheila’s house. During the drive home on the radio (XM Radio listening to the Christian station named The Fish) every single song was a great song about heaven! They were all so special and wonderful! I don’t know about anyone else in the car but I worshiped with my brother driving home to his old home (the one he is at now is probably freaking amazing!!!!). They (the songs) were all such a blessing that I am still blown away by how awesome God is at providing comfort in the midst of sorrow!
We got to his house and this is the place that it really hits you! This is when you go back to a place that oozes Jay. Everyone makes their home a piece of them and Jay is no different, heh. We got up stairs and helped Sheila pick out the clothes that Jay will wear on Tuesday for the funeral and worship service. Then we sat on their bed and turned on his magnificent TV that he loved so much! (It is an amazing TV BTW…much better than mine and that is saying something, heh) We watched a little of the Tonight show in High Def (heh heh) and now we are all going to bed for the first time knowing that Jay is no longer suffering and in a place that “rest” is not even a word to describe what he is experiencing.
I love you Jay! I always will!!!!!!!!!! Never, will I do any ministry unless you are beside me and with me lifting up the good news and name of Jesus the Christ our Messiah King! Give Him a kiss for us and tell him we will be there soon enough, but we are going to be bringing a few more people with us on our travel there!
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit…….Amen! To all of you reading this blog, may all of your souls be at peace and may yall experience the love, grace, and peace flowing from the arms that Jesus has wrapped around you!
Next Page »
