Sacrifice…..

Ξ May 11th, 2008 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Tiffany, family, general life stuff |

Well, here comes some hard core truth and to be honest, I feel like I need to put it down in this blog (only in the hopes that others can be blessed by a shared struggle, or hopefully the movement of God in our prayerful decisions). Tiffany and I went to the Infertility Dr. (yeah I know I think they should be called fertility Dr.’s, who wants to go to the infertility Dr… what we want is to be fertile, heh) Anyway, we went there last week and they accepted us into a study that does invetrofertilization at a fraction of the cost (something around $5,000 instead of the normal $20,000.) We got the spill of info the financial talk, and then the “process” talk. We signed the papers, only as a formality because the study had a deadline and we wanted to be on it, but we did not have to make a final decision until 90 days after we signed. So, we left telling them we would pray about the entire thing and get back to them.

The process of invitro is simple. Tiffany takes her shots (just like last time) then they harvest her eggs (around 7-10 eggs) then they take my boys put them in a petri dish and give them some alone time, heh. Then they put them through a wash to make sure that the most hardy ones will survive, then they two two of the fertilized eggs back into Tiffany and we pray that they continue the cell multiplication inside of her and she becomes pregnant. But here is our rub…..

since they only put two eggs back into Tiffany what happens to the other fertilized eggs? The options are as follows:

1. Destroy them (not an option for us)

2. They put them inside Tiffany during a time that Tiffany’s body would not provide a place of growth and they would be destroyed.. just in a different way. (not an option for us)

3. We attempt to birth every single one of those fertilized eggs, with the option of having so many children that we would not probably be able to provide for them all. (not an option for me, but my amazingly beautiful Tiffany would be willing to sacrifice almost any standard of living for them even if we have multiple twins.)

4. We give them to other couples that cannot have babies (just like us) through adoption. (but this would mean that there literally would be a huge potential of little D.G. and Tiffany’s living in this world not in our arms, of a couple we have no idea how much say we would have in the adoption of whom they would be given to)

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Or, of course, we have the other side of the decision……..adoption.

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Now, here is the soul discussion that Tiffany and I had tonight:

At first we both were excited about the Study opportunity. Here is a chance that we can be able to have a child of our own flesh and blood for God and his Kingdom. I could carry on the blood line of my family (I am the only male sibling of the “Hollums” name in West Texas, and in my family) And Tiffany and I could be able to raise our own child birthed by us, which is what we have been fighting for the past 8 years of our marriage, Damitt!!!!

Since our visit to the infertility Dr. we both have been in prayer so deeply with fear, trembling, and hours and hours of blood sweat and tears! And tonight we talked about our talks with our God.

Tiffany asked me if we had twins (through the study), and then we had another child naturally, would we give him/her up for adoption? And she challenged me with what would be the difference between birthing one or two children and then giving the rest of our fertilized eggs up for adoption?

So, all of our wrestling with God came to a head, right then and there in a Starbucks. We came to the very real reality that we would give God our children if he asked for them, but neither of us had received a definite answer to do the study, but every time we talked about adoption both of our hearts leap for joy! We can not find any grey areas when it comes to adoption, but there is and will always be there with the study.

So, we sat in our car and cried for our unborn child of our own blood. We cried for our desires to carry own our family through blood, and cried for our desires to love each other by giving each other and especially God this amazing gift of a child. We sacrificed our unborn child to God and have decided to adopt an amazing wonderful future with an adopted child of our and God’s own. It has been one of the hardest decisions I and we had ever made in our lives and in our marriage, but this is God working in and through us.

We know that life will be just fine and God will continue to embrace us in his arms of love and grace, but it is so hard….it is so hard… LORD, why is it so hard to sacrifice for you? To sacrifice for Tiffany and your kingdom. These tears are of sadness, and are of joy, and peace, but it is so hard.

LORD, you reminded us today of when Nicodemus was so confused about Jesus saying he needed to be born again, and that Nicodemus was so caught up in his thoughts of flesh-and-blood birth to be your people (”Should I go back into my mother’s womb?”), and then there Jesus basically says that it will no longer be about flesh and blood, but it will be God adopting anyone and everyone into his family and Kingdom. And pray that you take this prayer and show others that your Kingdom is coming in our lives and hearts here in our as it is in heaven.

So, God we bring to you this sacrifice upon your alter. Our unborn Issac. You are our God and our King, LORD and Lover of our souls. Our life is yours always and forever. use us how you will, build us up or tear us down. Empower us or make us weak. all we are is yours. give us everything, give us nothing. We are yours, and make this covenant always be fulfilled in us, and through us, and LORD despite us. We live and walk by your loving kindness and grace. Thank you……thank you!

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Wow, OK, I guess I just needed to get one out. Thanks for your prayers, and I pray that in times of your struggle that you can find the peace and joy in the midst of the pain, and of the hope that comes from Christ, who showed us what hope, peace, and joy tastes like in the midst of pain. That is the God that we serve.

For those of you who live this life with me through this blog, Thank you, for your love and grace and care. Thank you!

P.S. Look out world….. The Hollums’ are searching for God’s desired child to be raised and loved by us then unleashed into this world to live out the kingdom in their lives with god’s love and grace for you!!!! The future is limitless! Amen!